Please Human, Can I live now?

Not been up to much since my last few lines!. Had no reaction to my First full facial laser treatment.  Had my Decapeptyl 3 monthly injection on Wednesday. Have done some gardening and carpet cleaning. Back to Miss bloody Boring again with no or little interest in anything.

Last Monday night I went to the the Monthly meet at KernowKatz. The Trans support group here in Cornwall. TBH, i was rather nervous because I hate meeting people for the first time. I am always assuming they will think of me as a total freak, spastic and leper that I see in myself. But they were very welcoming and I soon felt at ease.

There were 4 there. One is post Op, and the other three pre-op, like myself. I have  to admit that my usual nervousness babbling on took place. After a while I felt i had to apologise for taking over the group meet, discussing myself. It is so annoyingly normal that I feel the need to explain myself, and my very existence to everyone I meet.

But  had some nice feedback and suggestions. Espesh about leaving Twitter and all its phobia and total crap that is going on. Yet again I am advised to just live within my own bubble and not pay attention to what is happening outside of my control!

But that I find hard to do. I hate to see others struggling, espesh the young Transwomen and Transmen. There is still so much hate and misunderstanding in the world about the whole Trans thing.

It really does effect me mentally in that I still assume people see me as a “pervert” etc. I should be over all this mental crap by now and being the confident gorgeous babe that I was meant to be !!

But over the last 10 months, since I approached the GP for  help, and all that has happened since, It is the ever present memories of the bullying, spitting, name calling and physical abuse I endured as a child until 13. Then there are the little memories of being an adult and a few name callings, intimidation and fights. Nothing major in the fights but I did split a few lips as my internal anger was redirected in self defence. The world has changed in a lot of ways, but there is always someone somewhere who will pick and make somebody’s life miserable. I learnt to defend myself quite well but I know there are those who cannot.

I need to know what is happening outside of my bubble. I need to learn how, where and why. As you know, since my earliest memories of about 4, all i ever wanted was to be the girl that was in my heart and soul. As I grew up the confusion about my anatomy, and the utter hate of it dug deeper into my mind. I so wanted to help people out from that age. In fact I have done on many occasion, and still do. It is just natural to me. A Mothering instinct perhaps?

But…whatever I do, wherever I go, all I know and feel is my necklace of doom is still there. Things are way better now on my Decapeptyl injections. My Testosterone is basically nil, and I have no sperm production. In fact I dont even get the erections that  plague males either. THAT is just so bloomin wonderful.

Despite the self satisfaction that the erections do not happen, I still live in fear of my Dick and Balls. All I have ever known is that they just do what they are supposed to do I guess. Oh how that has destroyed my will to interact, and even the desire to live. I still have bad MH days because of that fear. In the mornings when the bladder is full, that is the time that there is a risk of “IT” getting active. It does not now. But I live in fear of it happening.

I have tried many a time to just get on with life and be me. Everyone says I should just be happy with who I am inside and live my life. There are lots of other Trans people who are doing that and are happy. I just cannot. Yes, I have good days and can forget about my abnormalities. But they do not last long, and I soon crash into depression and anxiety again. The anxiety and panic attacks are rare these days due to my hormones and Sertraline. But he is still not dead. They are not dead! as far as I am concerned. I still have bad nightmares and wake up screaming. All because having  Dick and Balls that I cannot readily detach are ever so “THERE”!

The girls I met at Katz were really nice and happy with themselves. How I envy them, as I do other Trans and “normal” people. I dont want to be called a pervert again. More so, I just plain cannot stand the thought that somebody might think of me that way.

I am not a pervert, I am not a Sissy, I am not a Queer, I am not a freak(arguable!), I am not a crossdressing fetishist.!

This amendment to the GRC is really bugging me. Soon anybody can declare themselves as the opposite sex and gain access to those special places. I am not discriminatory or phobic. I never have been. Working in the Forces and  Civil Service fine tuned my ideas as it was part of the Employment to be Equal Ops and Diversity aware.

But I am of the opinion, due to my upbringing and the lessons learnt throughout life, that anything with a penis is thought of as a man, and a Vag and boobs equals a woman. Anything else is either play acting or crossdressing!

I know I refer myself to as a Woman, and have even changed my name and documentation to reflect that, but there is currently no other word for me. The phobia that is out there would suggest I am a man because of my dick and balls! I cannot argue with that as distressing as it is. All I know is that if I continue to live and keep my promise of not thinking suicidal thoughts, let alone acting on them again, they will give me a surgical procedure to be rid of my necklace of doom, and provide me with a Vagina. OK! a sort of Vagina! But when it is healed nobody would know any different between me and a Natal Female.

Trust me, I am still concerned and upset by that. But anything is better than HAVING to wear my curse. I dont want it. I hate it. I want it all dead and ripped out of my body. I even want the utmost reassurance from the Surgeon that it will not grow back. Things of nightmares I have.

Anyways, the thing is. I do not enter women’s spaces NOW, never have. I do not enter  male spaces anymore. I make sure I do not need to visit a loo before I go out. And to be sure I do not need to when out, I rarely go out and if so, do not drink! But if I am out for a while, like when I have to stay in Hospital, there are disabled toilets to use, which are gender free.

The very fact that females, and some males, would see me as a threat just because I still have a penis, albeit its all but dead, is just so triggering.

To those who think that way, please understand that:

  • A.   I am on hormones that are dangerous and could cause me a stroke or death (espesh after my ODs on hormones resulting in DVT and PE events)
  • B.   I am prepared to risk my life to undergo surgery to achieve a look that fits my mental vision, which is driven by my heart  and soul.
  • C.   I am not interested in sex. I’ve tried it and mostly hated it. I stopped having sex in 1995. And for the record, I do not play with my “thing” either. I thing the term is Celibate?? Whatever, I fucking hate my necklace of doom and am not  going to let it dictate my feelings and life anymore. TBH, I stopped thinking like a testosterone driven male many years ago as the hormones gave me the connection to my true inner self.
  • D.    I am not a fetishist, or an abuser. Never have been. I have no criminal record.
  • E.    You are right to be wary of “women with a penis”. There are a few about and it is well documented about their abuse. But just as one drunk driver causes death, you cannot assume all drivers are drunk. So all Transwomen and  Men are not perverts or abusers. There are many men and women in prison who are there for the abuse and death they have caused. There are some transmen and transwomen in there for the same reason. Just because somebody totally needs to try to change sex for sanity, does not imply they are something to be afraid of. But as with any other person you meet, be cautious and safe.
  • F.   I am of the opinion the GRC needs ripping up and rewritten. Stop all this nonsense of Human/Civil rights etc. We must not blur what is a male or female, regardless of them being born that way, or medically altered to be so. A GRC should not be issued until after full surgery is completed. Then and only then, should a gender change have the legal right to declare themselves as their new and correct gender.
  • G.   Be safe, enjoy your life, but stop being phobic. The likelihood you will be harmed is about as much as you will be hit by a car.

Carehugs and love to the world. But espesh to my Sisters and Brothers with MH. I dont care who you are, where you are or what gender you are. I respect you because you are each unique. You all have the right to live and live how you please as long as it does not involve hurting others. I deserve that right too


Kat the freak, lepper, spastic “Woman”, for now!

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