Still finding it almost impossible to “live”

So, I will start by saying, I am in no way phobic, discriminatory, or prejudice to any Human Being. I accept you as you are, although I do not understand some of you.  Mainly because of my own hangups, and suicidal ideation, born out of the hate and anger of my own body.

Let me recap my life briefly. Born with a male body.

At 5, I just had to wear girls clothes, albeit, underwear. Even at that young age, how the hell did I know it was wrong to be in girls clothes? Why was I not confident, and understanding of my own true feelings?. That is something I will never know, but I have my first battle scar from that age above my right eye to show what “Humanity” thought of me.

I did not understand the abhorrent feelings, I had about why I was different, and was always dragged away by my ear, feet almost off the ground, to be placed away from the girls and into the boys group.

How, I wish it was in this current day and age that I was growing up. With access to the Internet now, and the encyclopedia of knowledge therein, everything would have made sense. But back in those days of my childhood, and even through my teens and early 20’s, all there was, was a Girl or a Boy, or a pervert, queer etc. Nothing about Transsexuals or Cross-dressers was known by me. Yet, even in school plays, especially at Christmas, girls would be boys, and boys would be girls! Pantomime and Plays really messed up my mind, and I did not understand anything about life. All I knew was I was deeply troubled and angry because I could not wear skirts, have long hair, etc.

So on into teens. My second battle scar, on my bottom lip where I took a good (lucky?) punch, which put my teeth through the lip and a tooth out for good measure.

This was the time I decided to “fight back”. I still did not know at 12 about Transgender\cross-dressing. I was feeling even more Dark and totally miserable. I did not know about suicide and how to end the constant struggle and pain of wanting to be my true self. Did I become a bully myself? I do not think so, but to be part of the “gang”, and to stop the hitting, and stabbing and pushing over, all I had was my inherent human mode of survival. So I joined the gang, did the football, rugby crap that was expected etc, started smoking to prove I was “hard!”, and although people still tried to pick on me, and want fights because I was deemed the “weirdo Homo”, I soon found that by punching back, HARDER, I found I could be free of the physical pains.

But with my knowledge now, and as I look back at my first 30 years, I realise that I was not alone. There were others like me. Stronger girls (and boys), than I could have ever been. How come I did not follow my dream and needs to be female from my earliest thoughts? Where did they find the strength to be just who they are, whether that was being gay or Trans? I now know that from Adam and Eve and the creation of life, that there has always been gays, Trans, and the rainbow of genders.

Perhaps I was bullied more than I care to remember, or acknowledge. I have put so much out of my memories. As I type now, memories are trying to come back, to relive in my mind what I went through. But I am stronger now, I can move on mentally. Perhaps still driven by my basic instinct of survival?

I really think that we are all corrupted from the very first day of schooling, regardless of ethnicity, gender or religion. All religions and peoples are taught that there was an Adam and Eve. There was Male and Female, and that is how we are supposed to be. At least in my life, this was true, but as far as I can tell, even today, every child is brought up that way. And adults, brought up by the same belief, will make some children feel suicidal because they cannot think any other way, than the way they were taught to think from their schooling and teachings.

But that is life, and until teachings and religion change, the fact that Humanity is more than two binary genders, will continue to cause so much phobia, hate and misunderstanding. Even the laws of the land are written around those early teachings, probably borne out of religion, that there are only Male and Female and two binary references put into law.

So that brings us to the here an now. Specifically, here in the UK, the Gender Recognition Act (GRA) reforms being ground out and updated.

I often wonder if some people think that I have always been weak and not true my own heart feelings, about my gender. I cannot argue with them over that, as I constantly try to work out those questions of myself. But, no matter what, my thoughts always return to how I was brought up, the Society then, and how I was supposed to be. I am prone to pleading ignorance, which to me, is true, but can I really plead ignorance, when others followed their hearts, and lived the life they were happy with, even in secret?

Females, Feminists and Lesbians, are totally afraid of the changes to this so called ACT. Males will be able to more readily self ID as female, obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) to change their birth certificate and their whole identity, to be female. Thereby gaining rights to female only spaces like hospital wards, toilets, safe havens and even prisons, for example. It is already happening, and these females are up in arms about it all. But so are some Transsexuals. No matter what our genders, it is well documented throughout our history, how Males are allegedly the dominant species, and some, but not all, have thought it their right to abuse, physically and/or verbally the females of the race, including Trans groups.

It continues on a day to day basis, either in sexual abuse, pay gaps and legal rights etc. Being who I am in my heart, I totally understand their concerns and worries. I totally wish I could help them and protect them from the predatory Males who will, and do, use this GRA/GRC to enact their fantasies, bullying and abuse with legal rights. It is all getting so ridiculous and dangerous.

I have no problems with any females or males who live their life in whatever way makes them happy. That is the end goal of being human is it not? To be happy?

So if you are female, male, Transgender then be happy. But surely there are lines that should not be crossed?

From now on I will start using the term Transsexual, which is how I refer to myself. I do not like this term Transgender. It is all to encompassing and brings so much weirdness into normality of gender issues.

Please refer to the first paragraph of this blog, I am not phobic etc. Also bear in mind my upbringing and societies upbringing of Adam and Eve etc.

I am not not to hurt anyone let alone cause upset. But in the struggle for people to express themselves, surely we should not cross lines and cause others to feel threatened?

It was not so long ago that Humanity had become a mixture of Females, Males, Transsexuals, Cross dressers and none of the above. The term Transgender is now an umbrella for all those, but also a legal way for the real dangerous people (usually men) to gain a foothold and be proactive in their abuse and perversions.

Let me reiterate, I do not care what gender you are, as long as you are happy in yourself then that is totally a good thing. But I do find it uncomfortable, that some Men are living the cross-dressers, dream of being a woman and gaining rights to women’s spaces, just to live out a fantasy or fetish, or worse.

If you are female you will have endured so much during your life. Also some males, have had to endure so much from other Males too. I get that, I have seen and heard so much about it all. I so wish I could be normal as all I want to do is help.

But, there lies a root of my depression and suicidal thoughts.

Some may even question me and wonder, well why are you not out there helping. Fighting for clarification and the correct rights of this GRA/GRC discussions.

The answer is simple, I was born with a dick. If I was to come up to someone who has suffered at the hands of these nasty Males, they would be very cautious of me because they would initially see, and think, “Oh here comes a Man”. Those who know me know otherwise. Some would even think “Ah! whats this man after by helping me?”

So I cannot live properly yet. Everyone whom I would wish to help will probably think those thoughts.

I could have lived as myself from many years ago and found happiness. But ignorance, lack of knowledge and understanding, plus the poison of Testosterone, destroyed my hopes, wishes and needs. So here I am today. Still trying hormones to change, but have gotten a lot older. But still the same thoughts of why people see me as a threat, or a pervert, go round and round in my head.

To be sure to understand me, know the following:

I am a Transsexual, in that I was born with a male shell, but inside I have a female spirit and heart, although tainted by having to survive in the world of Maleness.

These lovely hormones mean I have no Testosterone and no Sperm. Although until they are removed, the body will always try to recreate them. Whether or not these medications have curtailed my sex drive, does not matter. I have not used my necklace of doom since 1995,  I hate it, I do not want it, and certainly do not want to use it.

So if you see me, please realise, I am not a threat. I do not use women’s spaces right now, because I still have a dick, therefore, I cannot claim to be a woman, right? I am a man right?

No! I am definitely not male and certainly not female. Just because I was born with this shell does not make me male, as surgery will not make me female. Refer to the corrupt teachings you had from your early age, and how that has focused your mind and life, that there are only males and females. Be wary of perverts, be safe, but do not dare to call all Transsexuals perverts or a threat.

I am not going to discuss the politics or rights of Those Transwomen who keep their penis.  They have a right to be happy and live too. But, we are all  taught that women don’t have dicks etc.  Ill leave you to ponder your own thoughts on this matter.

Either way, so many make me feel uncomfortable in my endeavour to live and be happy. It is all so similar to when I was growing up and the bullying I had. It triggers me every day into suicidal thoughts and the need to hide away and stay in the house.

I am just me, neither female, nor male. Just a Fairy of hidden Magic trying to exist in a race that would destroy the planet and the creatures thereon, like they have done since the beginning of time.

Having said that, I do refer myself as Female\Woman\She\Her as my teachings, like yours, corrupted my mind into the physical appearance of a Female or Male, or a cross-dresser. I am none.

I find it impossible to live most of the time, but the thought of surgery and how my necklace of doom will all be taken off and out of me, keeps me going. Then and only then can I be free, and find it possible to live.


Just for the record. . when i have my doom removed, there is no way come hell or high water, that i want it replaced by another one. So if your one of those males trying to hit on me with introductory comments and fake accounts on social media, saying

“Hello gorgeous, where do you live, whats your phone number”

Just do one. Not interested. Im not male gay and i hate dicks on pricks. 😠😠😠😠

Kat Oct 2018






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