Threat Warning – Do not read if you love having a penis, or just do not want to read my very personal thoughts and ideas.
(Just finished. Wow this is a long blog, im feeling upset and Mehh so im not proof reading. This is straight from my heart guys. enjoy or not, thats your right. Its my right to put my fear and feelings down, based on how i assume humanity sees me)
As per my last Blog, I am not Phobic, Discriminatory, self opinionated or Anti anything. I am just me with my own thoughts on why I am what I am, and am not. My thoughts are very much appropriated from the general view of Society, whom deem that anybody different, is weird, strange or a downright target of abuse and violence.
If you have read my previous blogs, you may have an understanding of me. Of my fears, Of my personal hatred. Even of why I still struggle, with “male” bits and how most of Society may look upon me.
I tried to sort of explain my feelings, thoughts, ideas and understandings, of life as a Human, living in a Human world. But, as per my norm, I tried to do it diplomatically and unbiased. This is because I have not hatred of anyone, or anything, other than my appendage. I have learnt so much of the Pros and Cons of being Human for many, many years, both faking it as a Male, and faking at a Female. I am still neither.
So I may reiterate what I wrote in the previous blog, but I want to try and state it again, but with no gloves on. I am forever trying to justify my existence to everyone I meet. To explain myself, and maybe to even apologise, for the way I am now. I feel a strong need to try and get people to understand me. Understand how my past has affected today. I probably go about it wrong, due to my MH and constantly trying to work out if they are listening, and understanding, as apposed to them thinking I am a waste of space and should just do one off a cliff!
So, Gloves off. Nothing held back this time. If you wish to continue to read, please know that my mind has learnt many things. Predominately, about Genders, and how Society as a whole still sees that, be it Male, Female, or Transexual. Perhaps even those lessons learnt are warped by my own fears trying to live, rather than exist in the world knows as Mankind. (Woman Kind? people kind? Human kind?) How weird that despite the advances of Society, the changes therein, that we are still referred to as Mankind.
It may still not make absolute sense. It may at times, seem gibberish. I know what I am going to say, but as the words flow onto the keyboard, and then onscreen, I just know I will be troubled by my memories and fears. But I am stronger these days, am I not? Mehhh. You can be the judge of that.
If you dont like what I write, thats fine, you have the right to hate me at the worst. If you get me, understand me, or even like what I have written, then that is fine too It is also your right. We all have the right to like or dislike something or someone. Rightly or Wrongly. Whatever my, you, our opinions are, they are not just born out of our own minds. They are formed by what we see and hear, by what others in Humanity do and act. Those opinions are born by the way we see each other and form the basis of how we are each supposed to be.
I admit that I have bad MH issues. Not because I am a nutter, arguably! but because I have something I hate and want removed. But because I have seen so much hatred and misunderstanding to “Humans” like myself. How Many of “Mankind” finds people like me abhorrent, weirdo, strange and even offensive. There is that term again – Mankind. As a whole many are not Man, nor Kind. Dont you just love a play on words? Talking of words, let us for a while, remember some of the basic teaching our peers gave us during our upbringing:
So here goes. last chance to stop reading. But whoever reads this, IF! anyone reads this. I do not care who you are, or what you are. Either by Gender, Mental Health or physical appearance. You have the rights to live as you please, as long as you do not harm anyone else. And you do not offend nor subdue others, who you deem not the same as, or inferior to, yourself. Most of the world is kind, caring and gentle. But as with anything and everything, it is the few who rock the boat.
Firstly, lets think about how we, as a Society, interact and behave to one another. Let us recall that little phrase “One bad apple can spoil the bunch.”
To me, this is true, only because of my own trauma and lessons from life. I find it hard to stand up for myself, and be or do the right thing when others are potentially thinking or even saying things about me, that are not true, based only on their mental capacity from their own understandings of Mankind. I find it can be difficult if even just one person gives the impression that my being “different”, is not normal, or have negative attitudes towards me, based on their only knowledge of me, my appearance. They may, like so many, not have grown up knowing Transexuals. And so they are only aware of their own gender, be it Female or Male, and the beliefs taught to them by peers, that anything else is a sin, or perverse.
Having said that, I am totally aware that one bad apple does not have to ruin the whole bunch. Surely I can think for myself and do what is right for me, regardless of what others are saying or doing? Sounds so easy doe’nt it? But not to me I learnt from a very young age that being born in a male skin, wearing female attire is just so horrendous to that one bad apple. And that disease of misunderstanding, spread to the group that was around him. And so one bad apple, can spoil others, who may not know any different, but are afraid to speak their own mind and truth. But that one first bad apple is, as we all know, the Bully. Not necessarily a physical bully, but by their own thoughts and actions, intimidate those who are deemed weaker to that way of thinking.
Then there is the term “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it“!
What does that mean? Well for many, it is a common teaching during upbringing, and was taught to me during my childhood. To me it meant I had to accept the bullying, the phobia, the beating and taunting, just because I was different, and what my peers seemed out of my gender and normality of what the considered I was. A boy! And so although I tried to “change my bed” in search of myself and who I was, those choices were discounted, and my actions by being a girl, meant I had to suffer the said bullying, taunting and shame. Although I knew it was wrong to try and be a girl, I did not know why or understand anything. Life was kind of simple, in that you were a boy or a girl or paid the price for being not as assigned at birth. I did not have the experience or wisdom then, I felt pressured by my so called peers and school friends alike, into having to seem to be accomodating to their ideas of Gender. Be it Blue or Pink. The emotional distress this caused both from my own lack of maturity and self confidence, meant I was having to live as a “normal” Human being. This went on throughout my Primary, Seconday and High school years.
Even at 17 I was experiencing the above two sayings. I was still struggling to understand why I felt the need to be a girl. Why I hated being a boy. But this is obviously the stage where Testosterone was rampant, and so my depression and hatred of my thing really started to affect my life. If you read my previous blogs, you will know I ran away and joined the forces to escape my life in my “home” and home town. I still conformed to how was supposed to be. I learnt quickly how to be the said “male” I was supposed to be. But I never lost that confusion and desire to just be me. Ashamedly, I admit I did cross dressing. I know everyone has done that. The majority are happy with it. I am not. Nobody can understand how deeply ashamed I am of my weakness during those years.
I have not outgrown my choices I made of wanting to wear girls clothes. Not born out of a sexual fetish, but because it was right for me. It was who I was and am today. But knowledge gained of my own self, those of others along with those who do not understand, mean I am here in the here and now, with a future. I do not feel I should be permanently stuck with with the stigma of my choices from so long ago. I know I deserve to have my self esteem, and be happy. But, I still find it hard to be my normal self in today’s society, given the actions of a few bad apples that make me have to lie in my own bed. My memories are constantly referencing my childhood and teen years, in how I let everyone “normalise” me, based on their own ideation of Pink and Blue. I still hurt deeply emotionally, physically and subconsciously. Maybe I still have yet to mature, at least in my heart? As a young girl, I believed in magic. I believed in Fairies so much that even today, I want nothing other than to be one. Some may suggest I have Psychological problems. I would disagree. There is magic in this world, and in many forms. Soon I will experience the true magic of a Surgeons steady hand using his Magic Wand to remove my appendage. I am so near, yet still feel so far away from that moment. It is still hard for me to be ME, accept the love, understanding and respect that I am shown. To me, I feel so much unease with having my Thing and his brains, that in this present time, it is hard for me to be productive are even be relevant in Humanity.
So many people can be quick to weigh in and give me advice and encouragement, even without a full understanding of what my life has been. They give me advice about what they think is in my best interests. They might make statements about how I should be happy, be who I am, wear what I please to fulfil my hearts desires. Even my Gender Dr has spoken of it. But, they do not have the time to sit and listen about my whole life and the whole story. The assume that just because Transgender is a norm now, that we are all the same with similar needs, having had a similar life. To an extent that is true. We have all endured so much to get where we are today. Based on our own learnings, but also of the learnings inflicted upon us by those who are not like us. We are all unique in our characters and thoughts. Dare I say we are even out of touch with each other’s needs and feelings? I really to feel that people and Medical professionals do not realise the extent to which, the toll of my choices throughout life, have taken, on my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health. How am I going to embrace the idea that being a woman is normal for me? given my upbringing lessons of Humanity. I should be happy now as I am, with the Medical care and family understanding to help me. This should be the pinnacle of of my life and the way I should live happily? But, alas, No! I am still the scared little child of my youth, struggling to live and too much worrying about how others will see me, react to me and judge me. Still in the same bed I made years ago.
I really enjoyed this book and I felt like I took something away from every chapter. Finding Your Ruby Slippers isn’t about changing one aspect of your life, it’s about transforming your life into the life you want. I find that a lot of self-improvement books are very similar and they often end chapters with questions to answer yourself. Normally, I skip these questions but something drew me to answering them this time and as a result I felt like I learned a lot more about myself than I have previously with self-improvement books. This is a recommended read to anyone who feels like they need that push to get out of old habits.
There are plenty of self help tools out there. Especially on the Internet. I have watched so many therapeutic videos and read so many ideas of self help and improvements that I am brain blocked. I am now at a stage where it is impossible for me to read any more and take onboard any more information. People say I do not want my future hard enough, or that I must keep working at it. I feel this is because they do not acknowledge my past. They do not recognise how I was almost living my dream with a Vag. They do not understand how coming off hormones, returning to looking mostly male has destroyed me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am not saying I am different to anybody else’s struggles. I am though saying my own life is just that. My own. With my own experiences of emotions and thoughts. Similarities to many, many others, but still my own experiences. Good and Bad, Mostly Bad. It has been a bouncy journey. I have had to stop hormones so many times. Initially due to the deaths of family members, and then the suicides and the resulting pulmonary embolisms etc. Im kind of healed now, but still have chronic banding residue left in my lungs and my legs are wrecked. I still have pretty good health and have improved myself. But the mind is still lagging in recovery. Oh my fucking mind. A roller coaster of thoughts and emotions and ideas. But, as I was initially saying, I have done my homeworks, tried my best to be positive and move forward. Dare I say I was getting there before all this GRA (Gender Recognition Act) threw a spanner in the works? Ive been told that many Transwomen cope, accept their dicks as part of their journey to being a woman. I understand that, I acknowledge them. But I am not them, they are not me. Same only in human form, but so different spiritually and mentally. I always try to draw positives from the struggles other Trans have endured. But to date, have not met anyone who has stopped hormones, reverted to maleness and then the endless self destruction thoughts. How many of you have had something you always wanted, and lost it? Be it your lost new Phone, car wrecked in a crash, House burn down? Using those as comparatives, I feel that way all the time. Phones can be replaced, as can cars. Houses can be rebuilt. I have a dick that is still there and so the same mental and emotional distress continues.
Take the book “Finding your Ruby Slippers” for example.
I point you to this extract, and I quote:
“Another strategy to consider is whether you’re constantly gathering other resources and running the risk of getting overwhelmed with too many opinions or options. If you can’t make a decision, asking five more people to weigh in or reading 10 more books on the subject will only further complicate your decision-making process. Or you might do the opposite by always approaching issues and challenges alone. If you do you’ll continually feel in the dark and anxious. Isolating yourself and refusing the input, guidance, and support of other people will not rid you of your anxiety or help you effectively meet that challenge head on.
The truth is any of the strategies I’ve mentioned can occasionally yield results when applied in the right circumstances. And all of them can be doomed to fail if you stay rigid and refuse to consider other options if what you’re doing isn’t working. The key is being flexible. Let go of the idea that there’s only one way—your knee jerk response or most comfortable response—to achieving your goals. When something doesn’t work, don’t do it more and harder. Do something else!
And here’s one more life lesson for you in regards to this issue: Sometimes no matter what you do or how hard you try, you won’t influence or change the outcome at all. This is because there may be other external factors that are completely out of your control. You may be able to identify the pieces that are not in your control and in that case shift your focus and evaluate where it makes sense to put your efforts. Sometimes those variables may remain unknown to you. Learning to accept and make peace with that fact is just as important as not doing something more and harder when it doesn’t work.”
Fair statement, and this applies to me. When I got to this part I hit a stumbling block as I realised I was just going round and round the same angles trying to overcome my issues. I have listened to others. I have tried so much. I accept that it is just me and my hangups all because I have a dick with his two brains. I am worn out with trying everything. I know a lot of people say I have not tried hard enough and that I must try something new. But this is now ammunition to my mind and way forward. I’ve exhausted all I can do. There is only one option. Lose the dick and brains to be free. Remember this book, the others like it, along with CBT and family, GP and friends chat can only help so far. Having a Penis is my cross to bear. There is no cure, not for me. Only his death and removal will suffice. I still acccept ideas, but I really am worn out with the battles of trying to kill him or myself in doing so. Im alive now. I am getting Medical help. All being well surgery next year. I have used these tools, and other Trans experiences to hone my thoughts. I am stronger and stable. Thank you to everyone past and present. But…its still there, and so I cant do any more than I have done. Just believe in me, trust in me is all I ask.
And so into who I am today, What I am not. How my childhood teachings, along with what is happening in real Adult life now, affects my thoughts and emotions.
In brief: Born a Boy, wanted to be a girl, left home to get away from everything ended up living in a “Man’s” world. Was mostly safe there. In the forces you work with so many different people, races and faiths. I had the privilege to work in places alongside foreign forces people. I also had the privilege of meeting different types of Humans ashore, and later in civilian life\service too. And now here I am, still the same little girlboy I was all those years ago. But I am grown up now. Wiser even. Taking into account all those people I have met and interacted with, brings me to the conclusion, that most of Mankind (there’s that word again 🤔🤔) is mainly appeasing and accepting. Most have only ever known me as the weird “man”. Some have questioned my sexuality. I have been asked numerous times if I was gay for instance. Others have stated I would make a good housewife, or that I was worse than their mothers. I do not consider, nor think, I have been effeminate. Indeed, I learnt to pretend to be “hard” to cope with the bullying and feelings of being threatened. When in the forces I had to have short hair, learn to act like a man to be part of a team. I helped save lives, but I also helped to kill people. That in itself does not bother me. I do not suffer from PTSD of war, only of the bullying and physical l harm. That has healed, but left scarring. But the words still ring in my ears.
I say I am ashamed, very deeply ashamed to be truthful. Why? Well because I was not personally strong enough from a young age to be who I really am. Many others have done this and endured it all to have a happy life. So perhaps the answer is pretty simple in my own life. I felt I had to be coerced into being a boy due to how the peers, teachers and school boys/girls affected my choice of gender. Maybe I was simply just too weak. I did not have the knowledge or understanding of my condition and choices. Throughout my journey to when I found the magic hormones, I did do the cross dressing stuff. Not for gratification, but just to be me. I will be honest and admit I did have moments of gratification. I am sure most Trans have. But to me, in my soul, this was not me. It was just a way to be rid of what a dick does. They are controlling and horrid. I now know others have been the same, and indeed, just dress to play being a girl, and the interaction that brings with others like them. I have never wanted, nor dressed to be sexy or sexual. It was just me trying to express myself to me. But Testosterone, is a poison and poisons the minds and emotions.
When the internet first came along and I found forums to explore why I was the way I was, I had to put up with fetishists and cross-dressers who just wanted a fuck partner to be blunt. Even thought I was some sort of Mistress? WTF? Why on earth those? I did not have those feelings and could not relate. Luckily, there were other forums to explore and then came social media. But the fetishists are everywhere. I found it both disturbing and frightening. I don’t do sex, I don’t do masturbation (not since 1995). I just wanted to find someone to talk to me. Explain how their life was and how their feelings towards their dicks were. Find out who else hated it so much they retracted from their duties as a male in a relationship. I hated what I did. Yeah the end result is said to be awesome. To me it was a way to a means to be rid of the erections, and keep in a relationship. I was married by now with responsibilities. I made mess of things due to my “hangups” but time kept on ticking. More forums, more images I did not want to see. Then the internet became full of Transsexual images. At first, the connected with me in that I saw myself in that image. I did not know about surgery and hormones then. But the images sent me on my quest to understand myself. How can a man look like a woman but still have a dick? Why are they just doing gay sex stuff, up the arse and down the throat? I did not find it appealing. But my mind was confused AF as to this image that “men” were “female”. More and more research. Then the light went “ping” (not literally) in my head. Pills. Blue pills to be exact. Injections I found next. More and more research. Still confused as fuck. But then it all fell into place. These so called women, took massive amounts of pills or injections to look female. And some really do look so gorgeous that I felt so envious and angry with myself at the same time. This was all I ever wanted. Take away all the nudity that was prevalent all over the internet, and in clothes the he really looked like a she.
Then the terminology came into fruition. Look away now if terms upset you.
Transsexual, Shemale, Chick with Dick, Hermaphrodite, etc became my knowledge. Then the fact that there are distinctions and how some hate certain terms. I learnt I was transsexual. The other names did not bother me, as I really did not relate anymore. I had solid proof of my gender confusion throughout my life. And now I was armed with the knowledge of how to correct my born defects. So I diverted my research into Hormones and the affects they have. I soon found the risks they pose too. But I wanted to know it all and continued. I found places to purchase hormones from. But, as an ex big social drinker and a smoker, plus being overweight I had concerns about being affected by the hormones. Death? Stroke? Shit, these are dangerous things at times. Time passed by and I continued to research how hormones affect a Male body, my body! I learnt about how different cultures use different medications to achieve their female form. I weighed up the pros and cons of it all, and decided that death was better than living anymore, in my male body. And so my order went off. Scared shitless at using a Visa abroad, but the forums seemed to point to a trusted seller. This proved to be correct, and I had no fake rat poison stuff.
And so my journey to self happiness began. His brains shrank away, He even grew a lil smaller and thinner. And no erections. Yayyy finally I was happy, to a point! My boobs grew, my hair grew rapidly. I had compliments on how my nails were, on my hair colours, and even my complexion. I wanted more as I was still unhappy about having HIM. Despite my major progress, He was still there being the very thing I hated. I could change on hormones but not be rid of him, even though he was now technically dead.
Then I stumbled across a programme about surgery by Dr Marci Bowers, herself a Post Op Woman. She switched her career from being a Gynaecologist, to doing Genital Surgery for Transsexuals, as taught to her by Dr Biber. She has come along way, and helped so many. Even created ground breaking techniques.
But, the costs of going over to the US, or even other places were tooo expensive. Mexico was cheaper, as was some back town in the US. Tempting but still unaffordable. So hormones it was. Life events changed my self esteem and my way forward though. The death of my parents and stopping hormones to be their “son” was they only thing I could do, to support them. It was my duty! Despite my hate of myself, and the fact that a lot of people may have regarded me as a weirdo, I am not one to abandon family and friends, just because of my own needs. I was brought up better than that.
I will end there, as I have discussed my rise to femininity and the fall back to masculinity in prior blogs. As tempting as it it to fully explain, I am tired of those memories now. I did not detransition. I simply had to be who I was thought to be, for the benefit of my family.
And so…what are my fears today? what is stopping me being happy and just living as I am now?
Forget LGBT and Transgender knowledge, Think outside of the box, and how females and males, straight in sexuality see ME. I don’t care how others think of that as I cannot influence their lives. But Society’s vision of me is important to me. 1%
Search Transsexual or Transgender on the internet, for example, what do you see. Hint, click images. Normal people see a Tranny with a dick doing what we are brought up to believe by our peers: gay intamacy. But the main event here is Gay men having Gay sex. Not my own opinion but how society refers to them. And so how I was brought up to believe. Google it. If your gay, or a woman with a penis having said gay sex fine. I don’t care what you get up to. But your actions are giving Society the wrong impression of what a Transsexual who wants to be a woman is all about. Those opinions of Society, and how they may view me, with their misinformed upbringing and knowledge gained from their schooling and peers, are totally upsetting to me.
But that also spills over into my private social life. I constantly get comments from Males I do not know, who want to chat or swap phone numbers. I am not interested. I don’t want a dick, either my own thing, or anyone elses. Just because some Males are excited about Transsexuals, does not mean we are all into giving bum land throat sex. I know i have covered this point previously, but all my fears and phobias are thrown into my eyes online, and news reports everday.
This leads me onto cross-dressers and fetishists. I am happy you find comfort in your life. It is healthy to have your fantasies and enjoy them. But just because I am Transsexual on my own journey, does not give you the right to assume I am also a fantasist and want cross-dresser sex games. I do not need to go to special parties to dress up and pretend to be a female, and then return to a male life. I am my own female form. Having said that, I am not referring to recent events or anyone I know locally. But online shit is depressing. All because society thinks Transsexuals are all chicks with dicks, and some are abusive perverts.
I have commented before, perhaps I could be seen as old fashioned? But I do not think so. Ask everyone around you what they think a Transsexual is. Not in the LGBT group, but in the society where misinformation and understandings are rife. Ask them for their own opinions, with gloves off. Most will probably say “I don’t care” But a whole bunch will explain their perceived knowledge gained through life as a “normal” female or male.
Let us recap Humanity:
Man = Penis
Woman = Vagina
Transsexual = cross sexed, taking hormones risking life land limb, before risking surgery.
Cross dresser = Gender Fluid, Man pretending to be Woman, Woman pretending to be Man
Binary Male or Female
Non Binary Both the above at a whim.
The Crossdresser label obviously applies to those who are not happy with their birth gender, but want to keep it, while living a fantasy as the opposite gender.
You cannot be a Woman with a Penis. You cannot be a Male without a Dick and claim that genders rights. You can live like that. You should do so, if that is who you are. But in whatever way we live, we must respect other peoples boundaries, as well as our own. As limiting as that is.
Regardless of your sexual preference you are either straight, Gay Male, or a Gay Female. There is nothing wrong with that. That is your right as a Human Being. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. But that raises the question of why some feel so ashamed they are suicidal about their unhappiness, in not feeling free to live their lives, without all the comments and hate. That is because they are aware of Societies opinions on Gender and Sexuality, and how they are made to feel inferior and degraded.
I am not Gay in my current form, but it worries me why some have thoughts I am. It deeply worries me further that some may even look upon me as one of the few perverts out there who can self declare as Female for example, just to use their new rights to inflict their abuse on others, specifically Women. It is happening right now. it is not fake news. Just because shit is not happening to yourself, does not mean that, if you are regarded as “one of them”, that you will be left unaffected, either mentally or physically, in either the short or long term.
I will remain living in the shadows trying to survive, away from those who would see me as a fuck partner or threat, because I have a thing. I am not going to put myself in a position, where misunderstandings may happen. I am not so worried about myself, but the impact any shit could have on my family or friends.
Be yourself, be happy, and live your life. But nobody should ever misunderstand me, or judge me based on society’s opinions, or your own accumulated beliefs, together with what a simple research on Google images would throw up.
Leave me be to be my own human in my own form. A Fairy if I wish or a Unicorn on the Weekends. I am not male, not female but I am Human, albeit traumatised.
As you continue to grow and heal. Remember that everything you need to be, and all that you want to be, lives inside of you. Keep accessing your wisdom, strengths, creativity, resiliency, and compassion and know that the sky’s the limit. Now go fly!